So, I haven't written in.. a month? Gosh.. What is the world coming to? I've been thinking a lot of my relationships I've had with people lately, ever since I was little. Like, really little. 4 to 5 years old kind of little. I've always held the same feelings. I could never shake them. But, there's always room for change, right? People will always be special to me. It's not like I want to pretend like I can cut everything and emotion from me in one swift stroke and remain intact (Psst, it doesn't work that way.) I know that I just need to retain a sense of compassion and know when to let go, and when to not get too close and too obsessive to the point where it causes me pain. I'll always have emotions within me, always feelings towards other people. But how I handle and deal with those feelings is what I can change, focus on, and move. It's the next step in the right direction, I think.
But in the end, all I have is myself. There's no guardian angel that's going to pick me up and put me back on my feet and set things right. It's only me. It's only up for me to make things right. It's only up to me to depend on myself and no one else. Because that's all I can really rely on. People have been helping by telling me to get more music that will help leak out some emotions from within me, even " if " it is some emo junk that people would make fun of us for. It's a good point. One thing is certain is that I'm not going to craft myself towards other people's standards. I'm done with that. I will still always try to reach out, I know. But there's only so far I'm going to put myself through to jump over that line and still never reach the other time. It's happened so many times, I'd have to say I'm sick of it. I'm not going to be cruel, or mean or filled with malice. Even if deep down some people sometimes want me to be. To lash out and hurt everything that hurts me. But I won't be like that. That's why music is there to sap those emotions from me. I'm not going to become a volatile vessle that only holds those emotions. I'm me, and there's a bunch of things that goes into that pot of goodies. If someone eventually wants to open the lid and find something they like and let me know, that'd be wonderful, Isn't it? But right now, I'm not going to let these things pull me down. Jean's and Nicole's advice has been handy, to say the least.
Show me what it's like. Have I really been shown? Maybe. With the combinations of all these years of my life, I think I have been shown. The right way, the wrong way. I've taken the wrong way, even though part of me wishes I could change that, I'm sure there was some reason that these actions were taken. And it'll eventually lead somewhere good, or so someone says. I'm falling. But is it really towards darkness and loneliness? No, I don't think so. It doesn't have to be, anyway. How and where I fall is up to me. And I can choose to smile and grin as I gently flutter to where I'm supposed to go. Instead of kicking and screaming and tearing my hair out about everything is wrong. Wrong approach. Definately the wrong approach.
I decided I'm going to do more writing. Finish up some stories that I want to write. I'm also going to maybe start playing games a bit more than I have been, which has pretty much been, not at all. I'll see where this all takes me. I'll focus on depending on myself. With people as guidance at the very least, anyway. Where would I be without them? Really alone, probably. Dead, even? Possibly.
I'll draw strength from the things that used to give me pain. That's the way to be, I think.
" Happiness is the meaning and the purpose of life, the whole aim and end of human existence "
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